My Only Regret
by backlash symphony
Summary: OrochiAnkoJiraiya [Orochimaru betrayed me. But then again, so did you, Jiraiya. But no matter what you do, I don't think I could ever hate you. No, I could never hate you. I love you too much.] Anko says the truth of her past and Jiriaya's position in it.


Story Title: My Only Regret

Author: backlash symphony

Music: "Cruel" by Tori Amos

"Angels" by Within Temptation

Summary: OrochiAnkoJiraiya Orochimaru betrayed me. But then again, so did you, Jiraiya. But no matter what you do, I don't think I could ever hate you. No, I could never hate you. I love you too much. Anko says the truth of her past and Jiriaya's position in it.

Pairing: OrochimaruAnkoJiraiya

Disclaimer: I don't own "Cruel" by Tori Amos, "Angels" by Within Temptation, and I most definitely don't own Naruto, either.

Extra: I know this is probably the creepiest story any of you have read next to OrochimaruSakura and KisameSakura but you'll just need to deal with it. I like strange pairings and I don't think anyone has ever taken this one to mind.

**This is in Anko's point of view. Whenever she says 'you' or 'your' she's talking about Jiraiya.**

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I was the Sasuke Uchiha of my time. Only a little more social and a lot better looking.

I had potential.

Lots of it, too.

And that's what _he_ wanted. _Needed_.

He needed me to serve as a double meaning in his double life. By Konoha's eyes, I was his student, the best of the genin, top graduate, tomboyish, but full of useable potential and naive enough to mold into the perfect killer. By his secret life, I was a meaningless experiment, one that he cared nothing about me in specifics, just the way I turned out once that ten day period was up.

More specifically, if I was dead or alive.

But I didn't know that. I wasn't informed that being a ninja in training under one of the legendary sannin meant being fed lies to, being forced to see that the real world is a harsh and unforgiving place. I especially didn't know it meant being toyed with and shaped to become the experiment of one derranged snake-nin.

It wasn't like that in the beginning. So many good things happened then, when I first became Orochimaru's student. So many wonderful days where I received many respectful looks when I walked down the street, a well-known path to my feet as I eagerly headed for the dango shop. People didn't treat me like the trash I supposedly appeared to be. I felt wanted. I felt needed. And not just by the people, but by Orochimaru. It felt good.

I had an amazingly powerful sensei, an even more respected one, and as a plus he wasn't a bad looking guy.

I remember the training he put me through was hell on earth. I couldn't stand it. I complained about him forcing too much on me at first and he would give me a calm face with heavy golden eyes that burned with annoyance, and ever so slightly they held regret. Regret for choosing me when he could have chosen someone with a better attitude. But he didn't give up. He assigned more laps instead of bothering to compromise. He watched as I did my push-ups to make sure I did each one perfectly. A single one wrong and he'd force me to start from one hundred before the one I messed up on.

Here I was, thinking this would be a breeze, but I was so wrong to assume that. He _was_ one of the legendary three, after all.

Every time I complained, he would add an extra helping of training exercises to my schedule. That was his policy. I didn't know what he was trying to do exactly, thinking that he was only trying to teach me to respect and maybe even trust him, but his real intentions weren't to teach me respect in general, but moreso for _him_, and to teach me that he had power over me that he could use to eventually make me into one of his followers.

It was painful, to say the least. I would feel drained after each day from the vast number of exercises he forced upon me. I'd be sore and my muscles would ache horribly. There were times where I'd fall asleep in the bathtub and often wake up when my body found it couldn't take in any oxygen. Who was I to know that they'd be the lowest of death threats to come?

Although he continued to add to my disappointment of his training methods, and I continued to pester him about it, he eventually made me a little more obedient, and a hell of a lot faster, with more stamina. Alright, so he knew what he was doing. Big deal. Well, having to do ridiculous amounts of laps and push-ups every day could do that. He took this as a small victory, but it was still one in his eyes. When he told me he wanted to show me a new jutsu, I felt I had acheived something wonderful.

In my mind, learning anything apart from replication, substitution, and transformation was brilliant. So when I was already pumped up about learning something new, he went ahead and taught me something I had never expected.

Summoning.

I was skeptical at first, not finding the ability to summon a creature all that exciting. When Orochimaru explained -before I interjected so rudely- how his main summon, Manda, ordered to have sacrifices, her dislike for summoning furthered. What was the point? If this summon was your last chance at survival and they'd only fight for you if they had, oh, what was it, 100 something sacrifices, it was not only a waste of chakra for you, but what if you didn't have the sacrifices?

Despite my down side to summoning, he explained to me -after having countered each question and comment with an equally as persuasive one of his own- that for future techniques, I'd need to learn this one. That shup me up instantly.

He gave me the scroll to sign, cut my hand open himself, and arranged my fingers perfectly to leave the print. With a slice at the tip of my finger, he pressed it down to the scroll and made the kanji that formed my name. To say the least, it was awkward to have someone like him touch me, even if it _was_ completely harmless. A shame I didn't look further into it.

So, with the signature finished, he explained to me how to summon. He showed me the proper seals and instructed me to use the blood from my hand to assist in the summoning. I was eager to try it out, and once the seals were formed and I cried out the name of the technique and watched as kanji seals slid from my fingertips and into a circle under my hands. A cloud of smoke came from the circle and I waited with my breath held, hoping I had summoned something ferocious and deadly, just to be able to send it after the girls who made fun of me for dressing like a boy.

The smoke cleared and I nearly passed out from the shock. Orochimaru seemed to be pretty impressed with what I'd called upon. Now, the snake wasn't all that big.

Oh, say six, maybe seven feet long?

Okay, so it was big, but the part that sent Orochimaru into fits of laughter -which at the time wasn't crazy or maniacal, but rather gentle and smooth, calming almost- was the fact that the snake slithered on around my feet, moving up my legs while I stood stock still, and moved up my body so that it rested completely from my right hand, across the back of my neck and shoulders, and down to hang off of my left hand. I had three words to express myself with.

"**Get off me!**"

Alright, so I wasn't _exactly_ afraid of it, suppose you could say Orochimaru looked enough like one to soften the blow, in a sense -though I'd never thought that kissing a snake would be enjoyable in the least- but that thing was _heavy_!

I whined to Orochimaru to help me get the snake off, but believe it or not, -heh, believe it- he shook his head, throwing me one of _those_ smirks. Dear _God_! If I _ever_ believed in you before, it was at that moment when I swore I would go to the book store, buy a Bible, and pray every night and morning that you would make Orochimaru send that smirk my way again.

Alright, so I had a crush. Big deal. Give me one reason not to like him?

He was handsome, skilled, powerful, respected, and highly intelligent.

And his insanity doesn't count since I had no idea it was even there until later.

So, crushing on the perfection of Konoha shinobi legend turned out very well. It become steadily easier for me to accept his eccentric ways of teaching me, and that summoning technique only seemed to make my life worse a few days later. Why?

That's when I met _you_.

Orochimaru and I had just arrived at our preferred clearing only to find you and the medic, Tsunade, waiting -or so it seemed to be that way- for Orochimaru -of course that meant _us_-. I remember slowing down until I was walking directly behind Orochimaru -and the view was _definitely_ worth the bad mark on my reputation as a loud-mouthed annoyance- only to hear your voice. It was light, with just a hint of throatiness, but it was just as effective as Orochimaru's. Clear, pronounced, but you had something in your voice that came naturally, when it was always forced with Orochimaru.

Amusement.

Laughter.

Joy.

Things I'd never really hear in Orochimaru's voice.

Things I'd never thought to hear from yours.

So when I peeked out from behind Orochimaru, what I saw nearly made me burst out laughing. Honestly, with a voice like yours, who'd have thought you'd have _white_ hair at what, 29, 39? How old had Orochimaru been when he took me as his charge, anyway? Didn't really matter since the things he would soon do with me would be illegal both status-wise and age-wise. So seeing you for the first time turned out to be a shock.

You made jokes about me instantly and teased me mercilessly about my style of clothing. You always said I should dress more like a lady. I always gave you a very innapropriate response -for a lady- and often earned a flick to the back of my head for disrespecting you, despite the fact that Orochimaru loved it whenever I retorted to your comments. If I'm correct in remembering, you had just started to write that perverted series of yours alongside teaching your own team when I first met you.

Regardless, you and Tsunade had wanted to see what I was capable of since _apparently_, Orochimaru couldn't stop talking about me on his night at the bar snuggled between Jiraiya and Tsunade. There were quite a few things wrong with that image.

1. Orochimaru + Drinking equals Ranked under one of those "See it to Believe it" situations

2. Orochimaru + Gossiping equals Very bad image of Orochimaru in a jean mini-skirt complete with stilettos and a mesh tube top

3. Orochimaru + 'Snuggled' equals Imposter. Orochimaru doesn't 'snuggle'. It simply isn't in his nature (though apparently making out with his student _is_ in his nature, as I found out a few months later)

So, having had worked on my summoning with every spare second I had, I went through the all too familiar routine and watched as the smoke cloud appeared, spreading until it was bigger than it had ever been before. When it cleared, I not only realized that I had summoned a full sized snake, one nearly as big as Orochimaru's favorite, Manda, it didn't seem to be eyeing me with the intent to make me the ounce sized side dish for lunch. I could've sworn I saw respect in those vibrant green eyes.

I averted my gaze from the snake for a moment to look at Orochimaru, hoping he would say something to assure me I had actually done it, when his gaze met mine and his pride took over. I was the student he'd always wanted, always wished for. I'd learned how to summon -what I'd been told right after it disappeared was actually the second most powerful, next to Manda- something this powerful in barely more than two days. The others were in awe at my comprehension and my ability to perform such a complicated technique with the reults I had in such a short time.

After that, I hadn't seen you again for a while.

Training continued. Orochimaru forced me through the 'basic' exercises, increasing the amount each day we trained, and every so often he would teach me a new jutsu to use. During this time, I slowly began to take in what you'd said about dressing more like a lady.

Walking past a women's clothing shop one day, I decided to walk in and see what I could do to subtely change my appearance to look more feminine while keeping my tomboy looks. Alright, it didn't help any that my chest was catching up to the rest of me, so if the clothes _didn't_ work, then your attention would at least be on a more natural feminine part of me. Honestly, I didn't know why I bothered to please you. You weren't Orochimaru, yet your words stuck something in me that made me realize that maybe while I didn't feel the need to fit _your_ tastes, Orochimaru may have been thinking the same but wouldn't bother to say anything.

I took the challenge and made my move. I scanned the racks for anything to help that wouldn't scream 'Look at me!' but nothing would be able to pair with my current clothing choice, something I was incredibly adamant about keeping. It was just my luck when the salesman in the back of the room happened to trip on something and drop the box he was carrying, spilling its contents out and onto the floor for all to gaze upon.

Fishnet.

Mesh.

It was _perfect_.

I hurried over to the fallen man and rummaged through the box, ignoring his complaints about me not supposed to be touching the material, but I dug out a few pairs of fishnet tights. Grinning at my find, I rushed towards the cashier, stopping at a rack I saw and snatching a few pairs of beige shorts that were much shorter than the ones I wore. I checked out soon after and was on my way home to change into my new outfit before practice.

Orochimaru didn't say much about the new outfit, merely shook his head a sighed heavily. He muttered something about your idiocy affecting "his prized student", but that could have been one of my fantasies playing out in my head, though the scene -unfortunately- remained G...for the most part. Fighting isn't something little kids should see, afterall. So we trained.

One day, a month later, he had a mission to go on. He didn't think I was ready to go on missions with him yet and refrained from taking me despite the number of pleas I made. This was that one time where he _reluctantly _told me no, where he said he'd be back within a week, and for the first time, he'd left me in the care of you.

_You_ of _all_ people.

Needless to say, while you were busy checking me out -you said you were "admiring the maturing flower" (to which I promptly punched the back of your head)- I was thinking about Orochimaru and you. It was strange how you kept appearing in my mind more and more, how I'd never even think about dressing more feminine regardless of who said I should. So while you lazed about while I trained, wrote some more for that nasty book series you suddenly couldn't stop writing, I gave myself more tasks and even -this was _the_ stupidest idea I ever had- challenged you to a fight.

Well, let's just say it's not nearly as sexy as it looks to have some -_semi­_- attractive shinobi practically completely up against you, muscles felt beneath the shirt, pinning you down with your arms above your head.

_Reeealllyyy_ not sexy at _all_.

And while I thought it couldn't get worse? Just my luck, guess who decides to show up?

Dear ol' _sensei_!

I don't think I'd ever been that embarrassed before in my entire life.

Honestly, it really looked so incredibly wrong, and Orochimaru -had I known earlier he was interested in me more than a teacher should be in his student I'd have known he was P.I.S.S.E.D. to find his sex toy with some other man- seemed annoyed and slightly disgusted. Once again, I didn't see you for a while.

Between that moment and the next time I saw you, Orochimaru had allowed me to go on four missions with him. Two were B-rank and two were C-rank.

Between that moment and the next time I saw you, Orochimaru had slipped his tongue into my mouth three times. The first time we were drunk. (Mark off number 1.)

The other two times, completely sober.

We had come back from the second B-rank mission, having gone with another person and come back without him. I was so ashamed that I'd let one of my own die that I'd ditched Orochimaru and gone to the shinobi bar. By the time Orochimaru found me, I was in near hysterics and he found himself unable to deny me.

Alright.

_I_ was drunk.

He was just...there...

I hinted at him a bit too much. He absorbed each without a single word of opposition. When the bartender called it enough, he took me home -carried me, sounds better since I couldn't walk straight if my life depended on it- and if I remember correctly, I made the first move -not intentionally of course-. Seeing me with no shirt on, just bandages wrapped around my expanding chest to make my breasts look smaller, must've done him in, for the next thing I _think_ I knew...

There was a bed involved. I was laying on it. He was on top of me, tongue coaxing mine into giving him the full pleasure of knowing he had taken my first _real_ kiss. I'm not sure if I lost my virginity that night. I was too drunk to remember. I know that my shirt was missing as well as the bandages when I woke up, and my shorts were half unzipped. I _do_ know that the next time I had asked him to stop before it got too far.

The third time I let him completely dominate me.

And would you believe this happened after each mission? Coincidence or not?

I knew I had done something wrong that third night and I knew Orochimaru knew he had done something wrong as well. He went on another mission that he didn't take me on. I didn't whine and beg him to take me. He didn't give me an excuse not to take me. I was stuck with you again.

This time, Orochimaru was going to be gone longer than a week. He said at _least_ three weeks. Something told me I was to blame, but hey, I needed time to think as well. Unfortunately, you happened to get _quite_ the beating once I took a break one day during week two. Now, I never thought I'd grow up to be skinny with a big chest -clad in a fishnet shirt, a buckled black miniskirt with a beige trenchcoat and dark brown boots- but apparently you found it amusing to turn me into the main character for one of your damn 'novels'.

Now it was my turn to have you pinned down. I made a big mistake. I looked into your eyes.

I don't remember exactly when prompted me to start crying, however.

I think it was the fact that your eyes showed me that you knew exactly what had transpired between Orochimaru and I. How you found out, I don't know. Why I even felt bad that you knew? I guess I was starting to learn to face reality. Normal senseis don't teach their students such advanced techniques after two weeks of training. Normal senseis don't take their students on B-rank missions. Normal senseis don't _sleep_ with their students.

So I cried. I sobbed for the first time since my first night with Orochimaru. I let everything out. You just held me, moved into a more comfortable position and rubbed soft circles on my back to soothe me.

And I loved you for it.

Want to know what I loved you even more for?

Not taking advantage of me. For giving me someone I could trust with everything.

Especially crying.

Since then, our relationship drew much closer, and I began to notice how far away you were becoming with Orochimaru. I began to notice that Orochimaru had dumped the vest that jounin are supposed to wear. He would wear it only on missions, but never while he trained with me or while he was relaxing. I knew something was definitely wrong when he tried to teach me a few new techniques, none of which I was allowed to use in front of the others in Konoha. I knew something even worse was happening the night that I woke to find three ANBU spread around the inside of my apartment and another four waiting outside, surrounding the building.

I was being taken to be questioned about Orochimaru. I told them mostly honest answers. Some questions I didn't understand the point to. I knew, however, that with each new question regarding Orochimaru and his new 'habits' that I had successfully discovered something before it happened. I just didn't know what exactly Orochimaru was planning.

And then _it_ came.

The mission that forever changed my life.

The trip to the three islands that would forever haunt me. The experiements. That poor girl who was turned into a fish. I was terrified. This was what my sensei had been hiding all of this time? This is what I'd been subjected to interrogation for? And that doctor? Creepy! Orochimaru noticed. I know he did. He could tell I would rather be anywhere but in that lab at the moment. He figured he'd try later and showed me to my room.

It was messy, filled with lots of old books and scattered papers. The sink was filled with unwashed petri dishes and beakers. My bed was surrounded by red and white markings. I looked at the sink and grimaced. Deciding that I'd do something to clear my mind, I began to wash the glass in the sink. I was nearly done when I dropped the dish I was drying. It shattered loudly on the floor and I hurried to pick up the pieces before anyone came in and yelled at me. As I pulled the pieces into my hand, Orochimaru walked in.

He knew.

He explained that everything was approved by the Hokage, and although I smiled in relief, I didn't believe it. Since when did the peaceful war-hating Hokage of Konoha allow such sick experiments? It didn't matter, for soon I was taken to the abandoned building. Orochimaru bit me, and the entire time, as I rolled around, screaming and clenching my shoulder in excrutiating pain, I asked myself two things.

Why would Orochimaru betray me like this?

What was taking you so long to rescue me?

I felt dead by the time Orochimaru returned. I asked him and he gave me the honest answer. I refused to go with him, but I was too weak to move on my own afterwards. I don't know how long I was phasing in and out of consciousness, but the day you found me was the best day of my life. You held me in your arms as I looked up at you, our eyes matching with equal amounts of pain, though fueled by different reasons. You held me, and I knew I was safe. As long as I had you, I'd be safe.

Or so I thought.

When I returned to Konoha, I was put straight into the hospital. I woke up two days later to find that you were gone in search of Orochimaru. I didn't see you until you had hit 50, nearly a decade later, or was it more than that?

But you were back in Konoha, and when you saw me, that gentle yet completely perverted smile lit up, and gave me the warmth I'd been missing since all those years ago. The years that went by were long and hard on me. I was in so much pain that I became lost in my wish for revenge. Revenge against Orochimaru, and even some part of me wanted to have revenge against you for making me wait so long for you to come back, for not even bothering to say good-bye.

You brought up my wonderful outfit. I smiled sadly. Yes, my Icha Icha outfit from all those years ago. Back when I could be happy. I wish I could now, but I know you're going to leave again soon. I can't get attached again. I won't survive if I do.

A simple kiss. My lips on yours.

But you started it.

You easily dominated it.

You were firm but gentle, the right type of kiss I'd expect from an S-Class pervert.

Then you told me you were sorry.

I told you not to be.

We parted ways and I touched my lips. I imagined that the kiss we had just shared was the first one Orochimaru stole from me.

He stole so much from me. My first kiss. My first time. My first love. My first shot at being a ninja. I hate him. I _loathe_ him. I wish I could torture him myself for everything he's put me through.

No.

Everything he's put _you_ and I through.

Orochimaru betrayed me. But then again, so did you, Jiraiya. But no matter what you do, I don't think I could ever hate you. No, I could never hate you. I love you too much.

You're in just as much pain as I am, only your pain is the complete opposite of mine. Yet through all of this pain, this suffering and torture on my battered and withering soul, my biggest regret...

Instead of Orochimaru...

My_ only _regret...

Why couldn't it have been you?

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Right..so what'd you guys think? Was it alright? Drop a review and tell me! Thanks! Till later!

Backlash Symphony


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